WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE TRANSCRIPTION PROJECT
This is a transcription of the podcast Welcome to Night Vale, which is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffery Cranor, and which I am not affiliated with or responsible for in any way, shape, or form. The transcript is intended to assist people with auditory processing disorders and hearing impairments in following the podcast. I think everyone should be able to enjoy this excellent horror/comedy program, even if they are disabled in a way that makes listening to radio shows difficult.
Below the cut:
CECIL: The sun has grown so very, very old. How long, cold, fading death? How long? Welcome...to Night Vale.
Our top story: Last night's Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed as a rift in space-time screeched open in the Main Street Recreation Center auditorium, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive pteranodons. The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound that witnesses say resembled noisy urchin children caught in a combine harvester, and then kind of slowed down and amped up through some kind of open-source, easy to use audio editing software. The pteranodons mostly attacked women with glasses. Night Vale authorities are still unsure why, as Night Vale's only flying dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg, still has not recovered from last year's bout with throat spiders. It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back into the vortex and resume the meeting-- which had mostly been about recent lunchroom price hikes, and had devolved into name-calling because Susan Wilman called Diane Kreaton's son, Josh, "a bit tubby," and said that maybe he needs a financial incentive to eat a bit less. In this reporter's opinion, Susan Wilman is dangerously obsessed with the New York Times bestselling Freakonomics books. Dangerously so.
...Fortunately, no one was injured or killed in the incident, although experts from Timothy's Auditorium Repair Contractors, Inc. estimate that close to $750,000 in damage has been done to the rec center auditorium-- and that cost includes free storm windows and a complimentary seasonal insulation consultation.
It's election season again, and you know what that means! Sheriff's secret police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct council seats and there's no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location...which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town. But don't let the name fool you, listeners! It's been used for years, for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions, that the abandoned mine shaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king-size beds, free wi-fi, and HBO. Also, torture cubicles! But, eh, I don't think anyone's going to make the council use those. Remember, this is America! Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again. This message brought to you by the City Council.
The Night Vale Daily Journal today announced that, due to the recent economic downturn, they will start running ads on the front page. Any business interested in running one of these "platinum premium" ads should contact editor Leanne Hart. Hart mentioned that they have also created a "write your own news story" program for interested citizens. Because every writer has been laid off, the Daily Journal needs these community contributions to supply Night Vale with important news and features!
The first platinum premium ad runs next Monday, and features the terrified face of an infant primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone-sharpened to a rough point, and the tagline "Better Use Tide!"
Hart also said that last year's explosion that decimated the Daily Journal distribution plant is still "totally an accident", and would like her insurance rep to call her back. Please, call her back.
...This just came across the wire! The secret police have issued a new statement shedding more light on last night's PTA meeting incident. The noisy portal and subsequent dinosaur attack that brutally interrupted discussion of swingset repairs on the elementary school playground stayed open long after recreation center employees thought they had rounded up all of the ancestral avian beasts-- and, authorities warn, there is still at least one more pteranodon on the loose. Citizens should cover themselves with a low-SPF sunscreen and hide in a tiled bathroom.
Several curious handball players on the court next to the auditorium actually popped their heads into the portal, just to see what was on the other side of the vortex-- and came back dramatically changed. The players aged several thousand years in what bystanders experienced as only a few seconds. Those handball players now straddle the unenviable border of millennially wizened...and cripplingly insane. Since psychological and emotional damages are no longer considered valid claims by the greater medical insurance community, we are still reporting zero injuries. We'll update you as further details surface in our special, ongoing, and very special coverage of PTERANODON ATTACK-GATE. Are we safe from dinosaurs?! No way.
City Council has asked me to read the following message: "If you notice strange auras around any of the following objects in your house: blender, showerhead, dog, husband, wife, table, chair, doorknob, baseboard, vacation souvenirs or photos, collectibles of any kind (especially those depicting or involving horses), DVDs (especially Cliffhanger, There's Something About Mary, and The Wire Season Four), and any bagged lettuce from California or Mexico...please, report to the council for indefinite detention."
Speaking of the City Council, it voted this week to remove the large, lead-plated door from the northeasternmost crook of Radon Canyon. You know, the area pulsing with green light and sotto voce bass humming. Proponents of the measure claimed that the large, yellow emblem and red lettering that spelled out, "DANGER! PLUTONIUM! DO NOT OPEN DOOR; RISK OF DEATH" were, at worst, an offensive eyesore and, at best, a "hacky sci-fi cliche". Many Night Vale citizens attended the meeting, including, it was said, several angels-- although no angel is admitted to have been present for the City Council meeting, or any other event ever, for that matter. Old Woman Josie agreed with the measure, adding that "lead is a health hazard," and that the old door was "nothing but a ticking time-bomb". According to the meeting minutes, Josie said, "That old door! OOOOH, that door!! Someone's gonna get some kinda lead poisoning!"
Carlos...beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks...reportedly was the only dissenting voice, but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure, as the minutes only report him stating, "There is no time! No more time!" into a black rectangle in his hand, and then running, winded, from the community hall. According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect, and smelled of lavender chewing gum.
More breaking news on the pteranodons! We humbly offer the following retractions from our previous reports:
Secret police are now reporting that the offending beasts were not pteranodons after all, but pterodactyls. Also, pteranodons aren't even dinosaurs, as the station had previously stated-- just winged reptiles that lived about 70 million years after pterodactyls. Finally, earlier we reported a death toll of 0, when, in fact, the number is closer to 38. We regret these errors.
...It's almost football season, and the Night Vale Scorpions are gearing up for a defense of their high school division title! But really, as long as we beat Desert Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine. Coach Nasir Al-Mujaheed told reporters he's particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael Sanderro made during the off-season after that sentient lightning bolt struck him and gave him the strength of two Jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily concussed Rene Descartes. But, if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sanderro will have to improve his accuracy! Last year, Sanderro only completed two out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy, and because his throwing hand had been removed due to several overdue library books. Apparently, the off-season lightning strike had healed Sanderro of his terminal ailments and court-ordered amputations, and he's ready to take on Desert Bluffs-- which is probably the WORST TEAM EVER. God. They're dreadful.
[TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: I don't know what illness or ailment it's being confused with here, but cerebral palsy is neither terminal nor degenerative.]
And now, an editorial: Let's talk for a moment about apartment building etiquette! Now, I myself live in an apartment building. And there is a compassion and acceptance you have to have for a certain level of annoyance. It's people in close proximity to each other, and so there will be some things that you don't like...and still have to let go. But, other things are absolutely unacceptable! For instance: a certain level of strange, radiating light or heat on shared walls is expected. But any oozings or visible membranes are rude and thoughtless to all of your neighbors! Gibbering, howling, and chants in long-dead languages are the kind of thing that is fine at 1 PM, but absolutely not fine at 1 AM. We are all in this together. Put your trash in the cans, not in the hallway leading to the cans! Put on some clothes when standing in front of your windows, and keep any rituals or crazed experiments to hours in which no one is trying to sleep. It doesn't have to be hard.
...We have a very unexpected treat today, dear listeners! Live, in the studio, we have one of the mysterious hooded figures often seen around town. We did not actually invite him here; he was just waiting for us when we unlocked the studio this morning. He has not moved, nor spoken, since then-- and I'll be honest, I am only guessing that "he" is a "he", because physical attributes are hard to determine under these robes, and the face is entirely hidden in shadow as empty and as black as the void of space. But hey! We're doing radio! He's in a radio station! Let's see if we can get an interview! Mr. Hooded Figure, how are you doing today?
HOODED FIGURE: [static buzzing]
CECIL: Ah! O-kay...care to comment on the recent expansion of the forbidden dog park?
HOODED FIGURE: [louder, more aggressive sounding static]
CECIL: ...Any comments at all?
HOODED FIGURE: [hostile, rapidly cracking static]
CECIL: Anything you'd like to tell the ordinary folk of Night Vale about your organization?
HOODED FIGURE: [CRRRRACKADFRAGRRRRRRBUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZC
CECIL: Listeners, I'm sure you can hear this! It's not a problem with your radio or our transmitters! The hooded figure is making those noises in our studio! It's pretty deafening, actually! ALL RIGHT! I don't think he's going to stop, and he's started to levitate, so...let's go to the weather!
:: "Closer," by The Tiny plays ::
CECIL: Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word from secret police that the rift in space-time opened at last night's PTA meeting has been sealed at last! The final missing pterodactyl has been returned to its own timeline in either prehistoric or alternate universe Night Vale! The creature's lifeless body was found a dozen yards outside of the dog park entrance, stripped of all flesh and with most of its organs inverted and strung around its exposed skull like an old-fashioned soft meats crown (as worn by the 18th-century religious leaders who settled our fair burg). The dinosaur's body was returned to the vortex, the gateway closed, and the PTA meeting rescheduled for next Tuesday at 6 PM. That meeting will continue to address the important issue of backpacks, and whether or not they are causing autism. There will also be a memorial service for the 38 parents and teachers who lost their lives in the attack...followed by a raffle! Remember, winners must be present at the time of the drawing to claim their prizes.
City Council and the secret police have issued a reminder that Night Vale citizens of all species, and all geologic eras, are not to enter, look at, or think too long about the dog park. This reminder, they say, is completely unrelated to anything that may, or may not, have happened today.
Coming up next: Stay tuned for our one-hour special, "Morse Code for Trumpet Quintets"! And, listeners: Night Vale is an ancient place, full of history and secrets...as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life...and of us. If you can hear my voice, speaking live, then you know: We are not history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that? Goodnight, listeners. Goodnight.