WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE TRANSCRIPTION PROJECT
This is a transcription of the podcast Welcome to Night Vale, which is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffery Cranor, and which I am not affiliated with or responsible for in any way, shape, or form. The transcript is intended to assist people with auditory processing disorders and hearing impairments in following the podcast. I think everyone should be able to enjoy this excellent horror/comedy program, even if they are disabled in a way that makes listening to radio shows difficult.
Below the cut:
CECIL: Regret nothing...until it is too late. Then, regret everything. Welcome to Night Vale.
:: instrumental theme ::
Our top story today: a roving pack of feral dogs has been terrorizing Night Vale for the past several hours. The dogs have been described as "mostly mutts", possibly pit bull mixes. Witnesses say their apparent leader is the three-headed one wearing dozens of decorative service medals and chevrons. Sheriff's secret police confirmed that the dog pack has already attacked a group of elementary school children this morning, at around eight, as they were getting on the bus. Injuries were minor, as the children protected themselves ably with their school-issued nerve gas canisters and automatic pistols. The dogs' motives are not yet known, although authorities believe they could be meth and/or gang- related. More on this story as it develops.
This Friday afternoon, the parks department will be spraying pesticide in all public park areas, and in neighborhoods with dense foliage and predominantly Irish heritage. Night Vale is making a strong effort to reduce the mosquito population, and the dangerous diseases that they carry. Last year, mosquitoes were responsible for outbreaks of West Nile, influenza, panache, elephantitis, and Fanny Brice Approximation Syndrome. Please stay indoors from 1 PM Friday until 10 PM Saturday to avoid dermal contact with the pesticide-- which has been known to cause skin abrasions, epilepsy, super-epilepsy, and organ inversion. The parks department also notes that the pesticide has a half-life of 2100 years-- which means we'll be safe from those annoying mosquitoes for a long time.
...We've just received word from Wayne Tyler, assistant shift manager at the new Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the dumpsters behind the library. They made off with some discarded Chinese take-out containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men-- likely to become henchpeople to the wild dogs. If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous. Also, be warned that penalties for overdue books have skyrocketed to fifty cents per day, and, after thirty days, jaw mutilation.
The Night Vale medical board has issued a new study indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times-- but especially now. The study said that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body the spider is, and what its intentions are. They only know that it is definitely there, and that it is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones. Let's go now to Community Health Tips!
Listeners. Are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you...from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That...would be weird.
Not to be judgmental! But...it would be weird.
This has been Community Health Tips!
Listeners, we've just learned that the drawbridge construction site has been hit by graffiti vandals. The sheriff's secret police suspect the feral dog pack to be responsible for the giant, spray painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding. It reads: "GOLD STANDARD IS OUR STANDARD" and "READ YOUR CONSTITUTION!" There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx nose glasses, with a caption that reads "FEDERALIST PAPERS," but where "FEDERALIST" is crossed out, and "TOILET" is written in red. Actually, you should see this! It's truly stunning. All that with spray paint! I'm impressed! These guys are really good artists!
Nevertheless, these dogs are possibly armed, and possibly rabid. They are definitely libertarian street artists, and that has police and city officials working double-time to solve this problem. If you have any tips that could lead to the capture of this roving band of dogs, please, keep them to yourself. We've also received word that they have tapped your phone and computers, so best not leave the house or talk loudly.
Let's have a look at the community calendar.
This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale fire department will be holding its bi-weekly Fire-Person Appreciation Parade! All of the town's firefighters will be riding through main street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Night Vale's history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 earthquake dust fire, when tremor-initiated fires became so intense that the airbourne sand burst into deadly flames! Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and papier-mache! The fire department would like to remind Night Vale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.
On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.
Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts' Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first-ever Blood-Pact Scouts-- the rank just above Eagle Scout! So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys-- Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan-- have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty.
Wednesday afternoon is the city-wide fitness fair at the rec center. Last year's event was canceled, as it was held on the same day and at the same time as the Fried Chicken and Cigarette Fair. This year's event, however, promises to be a huge success, as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from the Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices!
Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.
Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives-- but don't look! Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That's it. Yes. Goooooooood.
We've contacted the Night Vale zoo, hoping to find out more information on how dogs behave in packs. Perhaps these skilled animal experts could give us some insight into how to catch these dogs, or, at least, understand them.
Night Vale zoo director Emily Munten told us that all animals prefer tiny cages and scheduled food pellet consumption, and that it didn't make sense that any animals would want to wander freely about town. She added a high-pitched roar, followed by a watery gurgling sound, and then our conversation was ended by repeated, cloudless thunderclaps.
A reminder to anyone looking for fun on a budget today in Night Vale: it's free admission day at the Night Vale Museum of Forbidden Technologies! As always, the museum features many fascinating permanent exhibits, including the cheap, pollution-free source of energy created by Nikola Tesla, multiple time machines-- some of them not yet invented-- and pocket calculators, which were outlawed by the City Council 22 years ago for undisclosed reasons. Along with that, there is a temporary exhibit demonstrating the many exciting and extremely dangerous uses for lasers! Be sure to splurge on the guidebook at the museum store, as the exhibits themselves are entirely shrouded with thick burlap at all times, and all explanatory plaques have been blacked out with permanent marker. The Museum of Forbidden Technologies: If You Don't Know About It, We May Or May Not Have It!
And now a word from our sponsor:
You come home. The lights are off. You get an uneasy feeling. Suddenly, the phone rings! You remember that you do not have a phone. It rings some more. You do not know what to do! Then you remember that, yes, you do own a phone. Why wouldn't you own a phone?! The phone is still ringing. Ha ha ha ha ha!! How silly to think you didn't own a phone. It rings again. You smile, and shrug, and answer the ringing phone. It is still dark. "Hello?" you say.
"They are waiting for you," a whispery, gender-indeterminate voice tells you. "It is your time," it says. You turn on the light. You laugh again, wondering why it took you so long to turn on the light. Gosh, it was dark, you think. "Hello?" the voice asks.
You hang up, glad you remembered to buy Tropicana Orange Juice, at least. Tropicana Premium Orange Juice is made from the freshest oranges, with no added flavors or preservatives. Also, you should get caller ID! It's the 21st century; how do you not have caller ID?? Really.
This just in: two more schoolchildren were attacked by the wild dogs this morning near the playground at Night Vale Elementary School. One of the boys was taken to Night Vale General with treatable leg injuries. The other boy, we understand, was unharmed...because he was a better boy, and more loved by the angels. We've also received confirmation that a handful of mangy curs broke into the senior center, stole their televisions, and made the internet stop working. This has gotten out of hand, ladies and gentlemen. We simply cannot live in fear for our safety because of wild dogs. Allow me a brief editorial here, if you would:
First off, please, have your pets fixed. It's an inexpensive and quick process. You can take your dog or cat to the Night Vale SPCA, to your local veterinarian, or to Big Rico's Pizza! Rico studies taxidermy as a hobby, so he's happy to help out in whatever way he can.
Second, many of these dog packs are formed by dogs that are not raised to be loved, but bred to fight. Trainers are teaching these dogs everything from jujitsu to kickboxing to knifework. This is simply unacceptable. Dogfighting is illegal, cruelty to animals, and a danger to society when these dogs are untethered. But, we are a strong, united community here in Night Vale, and we must stand up to violence! Our town was founded by peace-loving imperialist conquerors who, to escape taxation, overwhelmed a potentially violent race of indigenous people and founded this beautiful city on principles of family, fortitude, fence-building, and friendly propaganda. Let's not forget our long-standing town motto: "We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people. Fear yourselves with silence! Look down, Night Vale; look down, and forget what you've done!" That is the motto of a determined, unified community.
And now...the weather!
["i Know This", Rachel Kann]
Ladies and gentlemen, good news! Mayor Pamela Winchell called a press conference moments ago, declaring an end to our dog pack terror! The mayor announced that the dogs were not actually dogs, just some plastic bags caught in the breeze that people mistook for wild dogs. "There are no wild dogs in Night Vale," she said. "And if there were, they'd be sweet little dogs with big, meaningless eyes and tongues like flypaper! The plastic bags, meanwhile, have been safely returned to the dog park from whence they came, and which is to remain unknowable and unremembered."
Journalists asked about the aftermath of this morning's dog pack related crimes and injuries. The mayor responded with a hollow stare. She promptly shook the podium off its base and whispered through gritted teeth, "Plastic. Bags. Plaaastic. Baaaaags." The sheriff's secret police then ethically kettled the pool of reporters, gently coercing them with pepper spray. Most were taken away peacefully, in handcuffs and black hoods.
...Thank goodness it was all a misunderstanding! Dear listeners, I don't want to say I told you so, but wasn't I right when I said we were a determined, resilient little town? In the face of wild beasts, we did not crumble! We did not back down. We stood eye to eye with violence, and it blinked first! Stand proud, Night Vale! Be afraid on the inside, of course-- you are, after all, your own downfall-- but stand proud against those predators that would harm your family.
And, that is our show! Thank you for listening, listeners! Stay tuned next for the popular advice program Dr. Brandon! This week, Dr. Brandon offers a step-by-step on how to remove your own appendix without surgery!
The sky tonight is a soft, quivering green. The wind is calm, but prepared. Get your sleep, Night Vale, and don't forget to dream.